Anyone Seen My Self-Esteem?

The moment finally arrived – the
day IB examination 2007 results are to be published online! At exactly 9.15pm
(Malaysia time), IB students around the world including from Kolej MARA
Banting, Kolej MARA Seremban & International School Kuala Lumpur will end
their nail biting wait and either rejoice or mourn over their grades.

Being the ever-excited and
get-it-over-with-ASAP type of person, I began feeling restless upon hearing
some of my friends already got their results from their respective teachers
near afternoon. I mean, why give yourself false security by prolonging your
facing the truth? I guess this type of person prefers to stay worry free as
long as they can. Which is what most of my girl friends (not GF, mind you) did.

But first, let me explain the
lingoes of IB to my non-IB friends:

An Express Guide to IB Terms for Non-IB Students

1. 7 – equivalent of an ‘A’, 6 – a ‘B’, etc. till 0’
2. EE – Extended Essay, a 4500 word (max) thesis of any
        subject of interest;
3. ToK – Theory of Knowledge, ‘holistic thinking’
        subject that requires write up of a 1600 word (max) essay & oral
        presentation in class that adds up to 60 marks;
4. Bonus Points – 3 maximum points in addition to the
        total grade points (6 subjects x 7 = 42+3 = 45 max points) that consists
        of EE and ToK.

Get it?

Anyway, my homeroom teacher who
happens to be my Bio teacher said I got a 6. Ouch, I targeted a 7, but 6 is
good enough. That is since my previous Bio papers have been consisting of a 4s,
5s, and only one 6.

Next, Chemistry.

“Congrats, Ali! You got a 6!”
says Puan Fauziah Sharudin, my lovely accented Chemistry teacher.

Another ouch. Chemistry was
definitely my subject, the one that I
was sure of getting a 7! Past papers of mainly 6s is the source to that
assumption. Oh well, now I know why they say ‘Assumptions is the mother of all f**k-ups.’

Now to my favourite subject –
English!

“You got a 7 for English and an A
for ToK. Good news, rite? J” replied my bubbly English teacher Miss Asyikin. At
this point I literally jumped up and down like a kindergarten boy who ate too
many sweets. Yes, I did this at my dad’s hospital (SJMC) in front of some
patients. Who cares?

An ‘A’ for ToK is good news, since I have realistically
predicted using my crystal ball (read: the
mother of all f**k-ups) that it would help boost some bonus points to my crappy
EE. Jumping jelly beans, so far I’m doing well enough!

As Friday prayers ensued, where I
prayed from God for grades good enough to send me packing to Newcastle in
September, my English teacher sent a short but nail-biting inducing SMS.

“I have your results. SMS/call me
ok.”

Yikes! Without further a due, I
borrowed my dad’s phone and called her up.

“Ali! How are you?”

“Ok I guess, just really really really nervous!”

“Hold on a sec, I’m in the car,
let me grab my papers to see your results”

At this point I stuttered what
must have been 100 ‘OKs’ at a neck braking speed of 1000 OKs/sec. Am I being
too obvious? Well, at least she chuckled hearing me do that.

“Ok, here goes!”

I gulped hard. Oh boy.

“Malay – 6 (oh man, not another
6?), English – 7, Biology – 6, Chemistry – 6 (it hurts more the 2^nd
time around hearing it), EE… now what
happened to your EE and Math, Ali?! A 5 for your Math. Why so terrible? (as
predicted) Thank God your ‘A’ for ToK boosted your bonus point to 2 points. And
last but not least, Business – pending.”

WHAT? I have to wait some more? Haven’t you seen my nails, post
endless nail-biting-spree? I was a nervous wreck – I simply could not wait any longer, or else I’d blow up
my brain to bits. Now you don’t see that happening everyday, now do you?

My dad consoled – ‘At least God
gave you more time to pray. It’s never too late, who knows? Never give up
faith! Believe me, I had a hunch that you’ll pass last night, albeit cukup makan (just barely pass). The
thing is, my dad always have hunches that somewhat came true, I sh*t you not.
No wonder I correctly guessed my ToK & Math grades with my ‘crystal ball’ –
it runs through the family.

The ride back home was less than
quiet, as he gave some advice-cum-consolation in between the ringing of my hand
phone. Which didn’t really work, since my friends kept pouring in SMS-es of
‘Hey, I/he/she got a 38/39/42/43/45!!’

Great. Apparently the others are
super elated geniuses while I’m barely making it with my 5 for Math and 6 for
Bio Chemistry. This is what I get for being a terribly lazy procrastinator who
gets distracted easily by many the smallest things like an undying crush over
FE (refer to previous post). I want my
mommy~

And so I wait, and wait some
more, while my dad drives me and 2 of my step siblings to Bukit Merah for an
enjoyable weekend holiday. This is going to be the longest, most agonizing
weekend of my entire life…

12:19AM,

7/7/07

Greetings to fellow family, friends & complete strangers! Many thanks for visiting my ‘resurrected’ blog, after a period of procrastination & utter laziness. In retrospect, my 19 years of life have always been a period of procrastination & utter laziness.

But as the Digi slogan goes, "It’s Time To Change!".

No more sitting idly around like a brain dead vegetable, whats more with my self-esteem still missing in action. Now blessed with an excess of time in hand after completing my IB diploma last May, I present to you my reinvented, revamped & renewed blog :)                                        

*clap clap*

Why am I still searching for my self-esteem, one wonders? Well, one reason I can think of for the time being is the various times in life I’ve been the subject of ridicule. I have a plethora of names like ‘Penguin’, ‘Midget’ & ‘PBID’ bestowed upon me by my dear friends (mostly due to me being ‘vertically challenged’ @ short).

How flattering. At least penguins are cute!

Since I’m anew (as the title suggests), I’ll make clear on what my blog feature. Since I am a medic student-to-be, I would write on health & medicine, and everything self-esteem (SE) - low SE depicted through penned poems,

songs composed & performed by yours truly to aid boosting SE,

parodies to enlighten low SE,
   

recent news about other people’s SE,

etcetera etcetera.

Very artsy indeed. Now I wouldn’t be surprised if someone labeled me ‘unorthodoxly un-medical-ish’. Breaks the stereotype that all medical students are devout nerds with hobbies ranging from studying encyclopedias to having an outdated sense of fashion (if there even was one to begin with) eh?

Your comments are much appreciated

The long awaited IB Final Exams finally
started with a bang (in my head)

Imagine entering the hall centre
with confidence for your first paper (which happened to be English) and finding
out you’re not that prepared after all. For one, I was asked to find a synonym
for a word I’ve never heard of before – fuddy-duddy.

I know, the first time I read the
question I was like “fuddy-what??”

Thank God there were a range of
answers for us to pick, and so I made a wild guess. Well, according to the
context of course, not ‘main tembak’
(Malay for “random shooting”) or dice throwing, unlike what some people do. Or
maybe I did. Guess if you can figure out the meaning from the sentence given:

“Some surgeons don’t like working with a particular anaesthesiologist
because he’s a fuddy-duddy and plays boring, old songs in the operation
room.”

Answers:

- fake

- interesting person

- genuine

- old-fashioned person

Thank GOD for multiple choices
questions! I would never have guessed, but then again, it doesn’t take a rocket
scientist to figure out that it means ‘old-fashioned person’, which was
the correct answer. Oh well, at least I learnt a new slang.

A friend, after the paper ended,
complained that it wasn’t fair because it’s an American slang that’s not common
among Malaysians. Plus, it was a paper for people who do not speak English as their mother language, so I do agree it wasn’t
a fair question. Then again, life isn’t always fair, eh?

And there you have it. New vocab
and new lesson in life.

Taking my mind off exams for a
minute (and the horror of MATH paper
starting Monday), I played a game of tennis with my good friends. I haven’t
enjoyed a good round of tennis lately, due to crappy serves and strokes, but
today I played pretty well, so it was thoroughly the pleasant break I needed.

The sky was simply beautiful in
the evening today. Breathtakingly mesmerizing, with stacks of white clouds
parading amidst a sea of blue skies, I adored the 6pm sunset sparkling in between the milky clouds. In my awe, my mind at the same
time thought of what my *ehem* crush
had told me a few days before. Let’s just call the person Future Engineer @ FE.

I had the opportunity to walk
back with FE (in which I ‘control habis’,
as they say it :-P) one night a few days back after supper. FE started the
examination earlier, as Physics paper commenced on Wednesday, and so I thought
wishing FE luck was a must (common sense, not cari perhatian), in which I did. Then we chatted about future plans
and university, where I asked if it was true that FE got a placement to a
renowned Canadian university.

“Yup, but I’m planning to apply
to switch to another prestigious uni in Canada – X University,” said FE. Now I wouldn’t want to give too much detail, would I?
Hehe.

“But why? Isn’t So-and-So University good enough?” I
enquired.

“I heard the scenery’s more
picturesque, plus we get a marvelous view of the sunset in the evenings. And
it’s colder up there, so it’d be a good experience,” chided FE, with that heart-melting
smile bore to maximum melting effect. (All together now – drool!)

Snapping back to reality, and
there I was in the tennis court, still staring at the magnificent sunset. I
guess crushes should remain crushes, and God knows that it’s not meant to be.
What’s the use of wishing something would happen, something would spark, when
after this we’ll both go separate ways?

Sigh. Looking at sunsets will
never be the same again. Anyway, back to the books for me!

9.30pm, Friday, 4/5/2007.

Maintaining the ‘intermolecular
forces’ between ‘molecules’ in a friendship.

Ok, ok so I’m a Chemistry geek.
Nothing wrong with that

I love my friends no matter what.
No matter how people say ‘blood is thicker than water’, I’ve always confided in
my friends whenever things are down, times are hard, and pressure mounts
infinitely. When family has always been about unconditional love for each other
and family pride, friends are the people I share my deepest feelings and thoughts
with. What’s family pride without even decent conversations and communication?

Anyway, my close circle of
friends at college is a fun bunch – they’re always wacky, full of enthusiasm,
and spontaneous. We hang out together, we eat together, we go shopping
together, we play tennis together, we watch movies together – the only thing we
don’t do together is bathe together! They take the monotony out of college life
in the middle of nowhere, and add colour and zest to my everyday life.

Of course, no friendship is
without fights and arguments. Recently I was very depressed, as result from
conflicts with my mom that never seems to end, my getting over of an
infatuation (of all the times to get infatuated it just HAD to be now), and the
sheer pressure of having exams around the corner. Spending time only adds salt
to the wound, so I wanted to take my mind off all the shit and watch the latest
‘Heroes’ episode with my friends, since we’re all fans of the series.

“I’m depressed, wanna watch
‘Heroes together?”

No reply. He must not have
prepaid left.

“Where are you guys?” I sent to
another. Again, no reply, to my dismay.

So I went to one of their rooms,
which is our ‘HQ’ for hanging out. As expected, they were all together, playing
DotA (a multiplayer game) on their laptops, ignoring my presence. “Come on lah,
you guys have been playing all week! Let’s watch ‘Heroes’”

“Later,” one briefly said. I
insisted. I really need to take my
mind off depressing thoughts.

“I said LATER. You watch first.”
Fine. To hell with you guys.

The following day they acted as
if nothing happened. Still in a depressed mood, I distanced myself from them
and even told one of them off. It must have been 3 days we didn’t talk to each
other, and all I ever wanted to hear is an apology that was never said.

Humans have egos, I admit,
because being human myself I still waited until they said a simple ‘Sorry’. I
managed to recover from my shitty mood after thinking things over and praying
to God for guidance. Not that I’m that good or religious a person, but to who
else can you turn to? The Almighty must have heard my silent plight, and I
gathered the guts to push aside my ego. If everyone followed their egocentricity,
no friendship can be saved, right?

I’m not really an excellent
‘talker’ but when it comes to written words; I become a different person – more
frank, more expressive, and more personal. And so I used this to my advantage
and sent messages to them, who went back for the holidays. Technology can bring
people together after all. Now we’re all back in talking terms, and I
definitely prefer it that way.

Moral of the story? Sure, friends
can be insensitive and downright selfish bastards at times, but if everyone
follows their own arrogant heads, forgiveness can never be achieved. We are all
only human, who make mistakes every now and then. So make way for forgiveness,
even if it’s not your fault.

Oh, and never ever ignore a friend in despair,
especially not over DotA.

Saturday, 28/4/2007.

No Man Is An Island?

Sometimes, it’s better to be introverted
and reclusive.

I spend a lot of my time being on
my own. Of the late, I prefer not to walk with my close friends (who are
son-of-a-bitches at the time being) or my classmates even more. Somehow, I like
having my own ‘quality time’.

And NO, I’m not preparing a
massacre akin to that of Virginia Tech or planning a pact to kill myself with a
good friend like those dumb Aussie teenage girls.

So what am I? A recluse? An introvert? An outcast?

Why must people label others
these days for being different? (

Oh wait; I’m kicking the fuss
myself. Pretend I didn’t say anything)

I’ve been called ‘unsociable’ by
some girls, since I don’t mingle around with girls that much. I’ve been called
a stuck-up by a friend before we became good friends just because I wasn’t much
of a talker like him, and my occasional flare for being ballsy enough to say
things in a crowd.

See why sometimes I prefer to be
alone instead of constantly being criticized for my many flaws? Sure, no man is
an island, but I just love the peace and serenity of having no one around, and
activating my 5 senses. Absorbing my environment is a good way to feel alive.

But on the downside, that way not
many people will know the real me. At times I fancy myself an extroverted
introvert – sometimes I like to mingle around from crowd to crowd, but at the
end of the day just settle being with my close group of friends. Or just by
myself.

One place where I really unleash
my friend-hungry alter ego is of course here – the cyber world. Add to my
passion for writing and narrative, it’s live haven for times when I need to
forget all the shit happening in my life and just let my creative juices flow.

So want to know the real me? Read
my Friendster profile & blog.

I know some people say nothing
beats face-to-face communication and hanging out with your best buds at a ‘mamak stall’; but this is my ‘mamak stall’.

Oh well. That’s just plain
introverted me. Welcome to my life.

Wednesday,

25/4/2007

.

Life can be a bitch sometimes.

Mind the profanity, but I think we’re all adult enough. Besides, nothing paints a clearer picture than simple vulgarity

Anyway, I’ve been having weird thoughts of dying. As in ‘tomorrow I won’t wake up’ & ‘goodbye forever, everyone’ thoughts. Not that I’m suicidal or stupid enough to end it all by god knows what modus operandi (slit my throat? cut my wrist? hang myself on a tree?). Not like I’ve never thought of putting my life to an end, especially during the ‘dark ages‘ - about when I was a confused, lonely and introverted 14 year old. Then again, I’m still confused, lonely and introverted, but that’s not the point!

The ‘dark ages‘ was years after my parents’ bitter divorce that left me, then an oblivious and naive 5 year old, clueless and confused. Why were mom & dad living separately? Why do me & my brothers n sisters have to live with my (late) grandmother? Why did mom have bruises around her eyes? Why is dad marrying another woman & having more children? I had to spend years of growing up lacking a prominent figure in my life, and learning to cope with the cold hard reality - there is no more ‘one big happy family’.

Along the years, my eldest sibling, who was in her teens and understood more than I ever could, began being suicidal. She did things I’m sure she’s not proud of today, and as a primary school boy I wondered why is all of this happening to her; to the others; to me. But I kept it all to myself, and began to develop a quiet, introverted personality.

As a pubescent entering his teenage years in secondary school, I became even more reclusive - not many people knew me, my classmates don’t really know me, and I was easily influenced by peers. Smoking, wasting time at the cyber cafe, pornography. Like I knew any better. Especially when my mom & dad only met up with me & the others during school holidays. And misery came knocking - more confusion of my identity surfaced, and in silence I suffered.

Suicide has never been more tempting.

Thank God, my life was turned around when I scored straight As for my PMR, and gained entry into MRSM (boarding school). And even then, a day after my good news, my grandmother passed away. I just could not comprehend at that time why God would be so harsh.

****

Fast forward to 2007. I’m a week away from my IB final exams. And my mind is still a throbbing, bundle of messed up wires. Conflicts surely picked a good time to haunt my mind - I’ve been such an ass to my mom, and I haven’t gotten over a stupid crush over this person in college (how can I forget your gentle ways? Your earnest smile? Your intelligence and charming personality?)

Why am I longing for something that can never be mine, and abandoning the things that matters most?

Not to mention so many things I’ve yet to cover in my syllabus or manage to master. Plus Newcastle University’s ceiling high requirements. And all of this crap in my mind has yet to disappear.

And this is my only escapism from life’s realities. Apart from crying on the praying mattress for help from the Almighty.

LORD. HAVE MERCY

Tuesday, 24/4/2007.

I will learn to be strong

push aside swelling emotions in me

whispers of deceitful lust and blasphemy

blinding feelings calling for a voyage,

down a river of flowing misery

I will learn to silence those voices.

I will learn to be strong

not letting another soul,

dare to wound me

dare to hurt me

dare to toy with my fragility

dare to manipulate my vulnerability,

I will learn to numb my pain.

I will learn to be strong,

to not be drifted away

by mere temptations,

to focus on things that matter to me,

like soaring in the sky of excellence

like the wonderful bondage with my loved friends

like absorbing all the knowledge and experience

life presents to me,

I will learn to strive

for the best I can be.

I will learn to be strong,

I will learn to carry on,

I will learn to cherish

every minute

every second

every breath

every heartbeat

and I, will learn

to dream on

of the infinite possibilities

of the million things I could achieve,

and I, will learn

to spread my wings

and fly high.

2/4/2007

,

6.50pm

i

Despair,

depressing, weakening despair,

hovering over my sea of thoughts,

casting solemn shadows appearing from nought,

oh, billowing clouds of despair,

why do you render me helplessly desolate?

Reality,

struck hard like a bolt; reality,

vanishing my small ounce of hope into thin air,

crushing my feigned convictions into dusts of despair,

oh, blinding, fatal lightning of reality,

why do you render me so obsolete?

Gloom,

dark as the night, in envy of doom; spelling gloom,

as you pull me down, deeper into oblivion,

I cry for help, but in vain, I am caged in my delusion,

oh, haunting devils, dawning with gloom,

why do you render me so incomplete?

ii

I misled myself

into falling for you

so easy I was

swept over by your wave of charm

leaving me weak by your sparkling smile

a fool, I have been

extending my vulnerable heart

already scarred by deep wounds of yesterday

only to be left hanging by a thread of hair

as you leave me, isolate me,

ignoring my every presence.

Why do I always fall

for souls who will never save me

from my spiraling descent,

in a hole with no end

I dug myself into?

2/4/2007, 5.35pm

Your smile,

oh, your pearly white smile,

takes me away from reality,

up to the heavenly skies,

I’m floating on cloud nine.

Your smile,

oh, your shining bright smile,

makes my heart skip a beat,

a moment, frozen in breathless air,

I’m captivated, in pouring awe.

Your smile,

oh, your earnest, warm smile,

melts my hardest sorrows,

rains on me like water, so divine,

I’m drenched in your charming, heartwarming smile.

Your smile,

oh, your perfectly flawless smile,

envious, I am,

of your generous sincerity,

I am but enchanted,

I am but spellbound.

Your smile,

is all I ever know of you,

I reach, but I grasp firmly

on nothing but empty air,

in my reverie I drown,

in reality I while away

of a smile that will never be mine.

27/03/07, 4:13pm

As I stare

across the coal sky,

as my eyes ascend

to the glittery heavens,

as I stand alone

enveloped by the chill of night;

in awe, I admire

the floating moon

in a sea of stars,

how vast, the endless depth of

space spreads,

an object of desire

fulfilling my deepest, suppressed

requisite needs,

an appetite I cannot whet,

a thirst I cannot quench,

for things beyond,

afloat in the unreachable sky

that my raging curiosity muses over,

in search of salvation,

through passionate observing

of the Creator’s wonders

through my limitedly human senses,

granted generously

by the ever Almighty,

the ever Omnipresent,

the ever Gracious & most Merciful;

in realization, I am,

but a mere dot

in a harmonious sgalaxy,

in a massive, enigmatic universe,

so powerless,

so small.

26/3/07, 8.50pm