Anyone Seen My Self-Esteem?

Finally, the agonizing wait for Newcastle University’s decision on my appeal ended. I didn’t make the cut.

For those clueless about what I’m blabbering about, I received an offer to study Medicine at University of Newcastle Upon Tyne in March. After a 50 minute grueling interview by a Caucasian professor with branching nostril hair & a weird demeanour (not to mention oddly matched clothes and a so-called hair do), they were kind enough to give a ‘conditional offer’. This means if I met certain ‘conditions’:

1 - scoring at least 38 IB points in my final exams,
2 - certified free of TB/Hepatitis B, and
3 - certified by the government that I have no criminal records;

only would I be fully fully guaranteed a place (or given an ‘unconditional offer‘ - it’s all mine!)

After months of torment in the form of terrible Pre-Trial & Trial Exams grades (imagine the lecture I got from my dad, who expected more from me) and weeks of IRP (Intensive Revision Programme, where we were sitted in groups of 4/5 and did past year papers) to the point of puking Maths literally, the IB Final Examination 2007 came and went in a blink of an eye.

I really thought I’d pass the mark, even though I was sure I did badly in Maths (my passion for doing easy SPM-level Additional Maths died when introduced to college-level Math), I had a tiny glimmer of hope inside that I did my best for the other 5 papers (even Business & Management, the boring-est subject in my entire 19 wasted years of life)

Wrong answer.

When the IB results were announced (refer to my post entitled "The Longest, Most Agonizing Wait of My Life… Prolonged") I had to wait further more since my Business & Management results were pending (not confirmed yet). Only 8 of the whole population of KMB had their results pending, so I was worried sick of what the outcome would be. After all, so far I only managed to gather 32 points - another 6 points minimum to pass the Newcastle benchmark.

One sombre night, a friend messaged me, telling the full results were finally out. Here goes nothing… and as I logged on to the website to check my results, reality struck violently - I only scored 5 points for my Business & Management paper, and my final total was 37.

1 mere point short of the minimum requirement. So close yet so far.

I was seriously devastated. My whole life seemed to crumble before my eyes, both still statically locked onto the screen.

I cried. I sobbed like a girl. And with wet tears drenching my cheeks and dissolving my huge ego, I slipped away from consciousness into a nightmarish sleep.

I woke up the following day, feeling much better and up beat. It wasn’t the end of the world after all, as I greeted the fuzzy warmth of morning sunshine bathing my skin. People were very supportive, especially family & close friends.

"Don’t worry, keep on praying. I’m sure they’ll overlook that one measly point and absorb you in!"

"You still have a chance! You excelled in the interview, for sure they’ll accept you! Cheer up "

I began to feel better. After all, in the conditional offer the Uni gave me, they did mention they would "…automatically consider my application from other aspects, such as performance during interview & Personal Statement, apart from the final results". Hope was still in sight.

But today all the ‘good luck’ wishes faded into oblivion as reality, once again, crashed in - they rejected me.

For one small point I was short of, they totally shut me out from hopes of embarking on a journey of a lifetime towards achieving a priceless Medical degree, with the humongous amount of experience awaiting to be gained.

Life is a bitch.

I didn’t bawl my eyes out dry like I did with my results. I even managed to smile it off. It wasn’t meant to be.

Again, the support came pouring in endlessly. After all, I was still eligible for ‘Clearing’ (where UK applicants with no successful placements will be given a second but slimmer-than-Nicole-Ritchie chance, in case any UK universities have vacancies to fill up)

There was still hope. Is there?

As reality sinked in, I accepted what fate shoved into my face - I could as well be bound to study locally, in case all else fails. IMU (International Medical University) which is located in Bukit Jalil will  be happy enough to accept me in since their minimum entry point for IB students is 33.

After 2 arduous years of overseas preparation course in KMB, after the numerous hours spent awake trying to make sense of lectures or meeting crazy deadlines for the endless list of assignments, after struggling to fulfill the 180 CAS hours with horrendous time management skills; after all that, I was possibly going to resume my studies in Malaysia.

Reality. I swallowed hard. After all, as long as I get to resume studying somewhere, I’ll still become a certified doctor, right?

I don’t care. Right now, I just don’t care.

Even if my Clearing chances turns out another ‘false hope’; even if a miracle happens and I do get to board that plane to Heathrow International Airport, London; I’ll manage.

I hope.

I really do.

Maybe…

Friday, 17/08/2007, 2:48AM

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