Anyone Seen My Self-Esteem?

Today, it really occurred to me that perhaps my rejection by Newcastle University was a huge billboard reading:

                Do You Really Want to Become A Doctor?

Could it be a wake up call?

Or even a divine intervention from the Heavens?

A warning to rethink of my childhood ambitions to become a Neurosurgeon?

I’ve never really thought now would be a sort of crossroad. A crossroad where I should stop & ponder upon what my future would be like, starting with the next important decision that I make.

I mean, don’t get me wrong. I’m not simply chickening out due to a bump in the supposedly smooth road I planned. I’m not easily giving up my aspiration which captured my interest when I was a kid. I’m not merely throwing out of the window the 2 years foundation for my future  medical degree.

The thought had only came to mind last night, as I was staring into the darkness on my bed & furthermore strengthened by a conversation with my mother this evening.

You see, as mentioned in my previous entry, it didn’t really matter anymore to me where I did my undergraduate medical studies, as long as I gain that degree. But my mom begged to differ.

She’s been a General Practitioner (GP) for almost 2 1/2 decades now, moving from one hospital E&A (Emergency & Accidents) department to another, and currently is working at a clinic near Taman Dagang, Ampang. I’ve always wondered why she didn’t specialize into any specific area after graduating, but she never really gave an answer, & would usually ask me to drop it or beat around the bush.

Today she was feeling a bit exhausted, after doing a few chores in our level 8 apartment unit, and she had to work at 4pm (her shifts are either 9am-4pm @ 4pm-10pm @ worse, 9am-10pm on some weekdays). Around 4pm, she was all set to go to work, or so I thought. She began to break down into streaming tears & a fit.

First she complained how tiring it is to work like crazy almost every day of the week, without getting to take leaves on public holidays. Then she went on how her salary (only RM6k, after about 25 years of doctoring?) was always being paid late (sometimes at the end of 2 months later) & how she could barely cope with the mounting bills. Suddenly she began comparing how my dad’s now a big shot surgeon earning big bucks & living the ideal life while now she could barely afford a vacation or make ends meet (my parents are divorced since ‘93, on my 5th birthday to be exact…)

Amidst hiccups & tears, face a blush of maroon, she told me how her early marriage to my dad (they married when she was 19) destroyed her life & she couldn’t have the time or resources to do postgraduate studies. After all, she had to juggle between pregnancies & kids, a temperamental husband and work.

Now, she’s a 52 year old GP with a miserable life. She doesn’t want me to repeat her same mistake by not going to a prestigious university for my degree & not doing postgraduate studies, or even marry early (not like I want to). And apparently to her IMU isn’t good enough, as it will matter, when I start applying to study for neurosurgery after 8-9 years from now, from which university I graduated in.

Stressful.

Guessed how my dad responded? He was deeply disappointed that I didn’t live up to his expectation & started comparing me with one of my friend from college who happens to be one of his patient.

My friend (whom I shall not name) scored 41 points and is going to Melbourne (I think) next year, and he’s just a son of a Petronas officer. While I, the son of a respected, successful, posh ENT (Ear, Nose, Throat @ Otorlaryngology) Surgeon working at the widely known private hospital SJMC (Subang Jaya Medical Center) only secured a measly 37, and lost my only UK Medical School conditional offer due to that.

Great, more stress.

Do I really want to become a doctor?

Do I really want to devote my entire life to the wellbeing of others while I struggle through my personal life & render myself fatigued and beaten?

Do I really want to put other’s emotions first and putting aside mine, with noble compassion, and suffer what a horrible fate in my personal life akin to my parents’ divorce & my mum’s current situation?

Truth is, I don’t know for myself now.

God help me.

Thursday, 30/8/2007 (8:52PM)

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