Anyone Seen My Self-Esteem?

Life couldn’t be more full of potholes and bends, as what I’m facing at this moment.

Apparently, I received news from my fellow college mates who are currently left with no placement, after they didn’t do well in their Australia medical interviews. MARA will no longer send students to IMU if they don’t get any offers by mid September (or around that time)

The catch? They’ll be off to M S Ramaiah Medical School, India instead.

So much for having more reasons not to leave Malaysia (refer to ‘When Life Gives You Lemons‘ entry) And this has further more dismayed my mother (refer to previous entry), which now prefers IMU over India!

Only one picture pretty much summing up my feelings now:

*I need a break from all this*

9:21 PM, Friday (31/8/2007)

Today, it really occurred to me that perhaps my rejection by Newcastle University was a huge billboard reading:

                Do You Really Want to Become A Doctor?

Could it be a wake up call?

Or even a divine intervention from the Heavens?

A warning to rethink of my childhood ambitions to become a Neurosurgeon?

I’ve never really thought now would be a sort of crossroad. A crossroad where I should stop & ponder upon what my future would be like, starting with the next important decision that I make.

I mean, don’t get me wrong. I’m not simply chickening out due to a bump in the supposedly smooth road I planned. I’m not easily giving up my aspiration which captured my interest when I was a kid. I’m not merely throwing out of the window the 2 years foundation for my future  medical degree.

The thought had only came to mind last night, as I was staring into the darkness on my bed & furthermore strengthened by a conversation with my mother this evening.

You see, as mentioned in my previous entry, it didn’t really matter anymore to me where I did my undergraduate medical studies, as long as I gain that degree. But my mom begged to differ.

She’s been a General Practitioner (GP) for almost 2 1/2 decades now, moving from one hospital E&A (Emergency & Accidents) department to another, and currently is working at a clinic near Taman Dagang, Ampang. I’ve always wondered why she didn’t specialize into any specific area after graduating, but she never really gave an answer, & would usually ask me to drop it or beat around the bush.

Today she was feeling a bit exhausted, after doing a few chores in our level 8 apartment unit, and she had to work at 4pm (her shifts are either 9am-4pm @ 4pm-10pm @ worse, 9am-10pm on some weekdays). Around 4pm, she was all set to go to work, or so I thought. She began to break down into streaming tears & a fit.

First she complained how tiring it is to work like crazy almost every day of the week, without getting to take leaves on public holidays. Then she went on how her salary (only RM6k, after about 25 years of doctoring?) was always being paid late (sometimes at the end of 2 months later) & how she could barely cope with the mounting bills. Suddenly she began comparing how my dad’s now a big shot surgeon earning big bucks & living the ideal life while now she could barely afford a vacation or make ends meet (my parents are divorced since ‘93, on my 5th birthday to be exact…)

Amidst hiccups & tears, face a blush of maroon, she told me how her early marriage to my dad (they married when she was 19) destroyed her life & she couldn’t have the time or resources to do postgraduate studies. After all, she had to juggle between pregnancies & kids, a temperamental husband and work.

Now, she’s a 52 year old GP with a miserable life. She doesn’t want me to repeat her same mistake by not going to a prestigious university for my degree & not doing postgraduate studies, or even marry early (not like I want to). And apparently to her IMU isn’t good enough, as it will matter, when I start applying to study for neurosurgery after 8-9 years from now, from which university I graduated in.

Stressful.

Guessed how my dad responded? He was deeply disappointed that I didn’t live up to his expectation & started comparing me with one of my friend from college who happens to be one of his patient.

My friend (whom I shall not name) scored 41 points and is going to Melbourne (I think) next year, and he’s just a son of a Petronas officer. While I, the son of a respected, successful, posh ENT (Ear, Nose, Throat @ Otorlaryngology) Surgeon working at the widely known private hospital SJMC (Subang Jaya Medical Center) only secured a measly 37, and lost my only UK Medical School conditional offer due to that.

Great, more stress.

Do I really want to become a doctor?

Do I really want to devote my entire life to the wellbeing of others while I struggle through my personal life & render myself fatigued and beaten?

Do I really want to put other’s emotions first and putting aside mine, with noble compassion, and suffer what a horrible fate in my personal life akin to my parents’ divorce & my mum’s current situation?

Truth is, I don’t know for myself now.

God help me.

Thursday, 30/8/2007 (8:52PM)

It’s amazing how many friends & family responded in times of emotional devastation I was facing. I could not have pulled it through in one piece without you guys supporting my back.

For that, I salute you all.

Truth is, I had a lot in mind to blog about. From how I’m feeling better after much support from everyone, to the amazing Gwen Stefani concert on Tuesday (21/8/2007) to how some so-called ‘friends’ start showing their true colours when you need them the most. But I guess I just wasn’t ready to move on from absorbing all this positive energy or moral support surrounding me.

After all, who doesn’t appreciate a sense of belonging and sympathy from people around you especially when you’re feeling low?

So far, I’ve yet to receive any offer through Clearing, but after much thought and advice from my beloved mom & people who care, I don’t really mind not going to UK or Aussie to study.

You see, all this while it’s been a big dream come true for me to receive a scholarship by MARA to do International Baccalaureate (IB) at Kolej MARA Banting. I knew from start to end what I wanted (to become a renowned Neurosurgeon), & how to achieve it all:

1) Good SPM grades
2) Perform in MARA interview & get scholarship
3) 2 years doing IB @ KMB
4) 5 years UK Medical Uni
5) 2 years internship + 3 years service with MARA
6) 5-6 years of postgraduate specialization studies (Surgery –> Neurosurgery)

Life has so far been an amazingly breezy journey, with steps (1) to (3) completed. I mean, getting 11As in my SPM, getting that MARA scholarship and doing the wholesome, internationally-but-not-so-locally recognized IB diploma was too much to ask for! I was step by step gaining speed towards achieving my childhood ambitions planned out so well.

But when I realized that life was never a smooth voyeur from start to end, I broke down in frustration. The waves were just too violent, the strong winds weren’t always there to sail my boat, and the heavy storms were too frightening for me to go on.

I was a mess.

Yet, sooner or later, I knew I can no longer run away from the harsh reality that we face. I had to learn to move on, and never let past wounds to come back and haunt me.

It’s good that we learn from our mistakes and not let history re-occur, but it’s foolish to totally submerge ourselves in self pity and wallowing as if life is a totally unfair game played by Gods on us humans.

Life goes on.

And so, I don’t mind if I don’t get any offers through Clearing to prestigious medical schools in UK/Australia, or if I don’t get the chance to fly abroad and enjoy an exhilarating experience of a lifetime. It doesn’t matter.

What matters most is to get that medical degree, no matter wherever it’s from. What’s more important is my postgraduate studies, where the real challenge lies in.

Besides, lately I’ve been finding more reasons not to leave my country - a few strings of budding friendship, an offer to model for a local mag (no kidding!), and even a blooming romance. But I’m not telling

So let’s all enjoy life like we should, and make the best out of our stay on Earth.

After all, when life gives you lemons, make some f*ckin’ lemonade, dude!

Sunday, 26/8/2007 (7:39PM)

Finally, the agonizing wait for Newcastle University’s decision on my appeal ended. I didn’t make the cut.

For those clueless about what I’m blabbering about, I received an offer to study Medicine at University of Newcastle Upon Tyne in March. After a 50 minute grueling interview by a Caucasian professor with branching nostril hair & a weird demeanour (not to mention oddly matched clothes and a so-called hair do), they were kind enough to give a ‘conditional offer’. This means if I met certain ‘conditions’:

1 - scoring at least 38 IB points in my final exams,
2 - certified free of TB/Hepatitis B, and
3 - certified by the government that I have no criminal records;

only would I be fully fully guaranteed a place (or given an ‘unconditional offer‘ - it’s all mine!)

After months of torment in the form of terrible Pre-Trial & Trial Exams grades (imagine the lecture I got from my dad, who expected more from me) and weeks of IRP (Intensive Revision Programme, where we were sitted in groups of 4/5 and did past year papers) to the point of puking Maths literally, the IB Final Examination 2007 came and went in a blink of an eye.

I really thought I’d pass the mark, even though I was sure I did badly in Maths (my passion for doing easy SPM-level Additional Maths died when introduced to college-level Math), I had a tiny glimmer of hope inside that I did my best for the other 5 papers (even Business & Management, the boring-est subject in my entire 19 wasted years of life)

Wrong answer.

When the IB results were announced (refer to my post entitled "The Longest, Most Agonizing Wait of My Life… Prolonged") I had to wait further more since my Business & Management results were pending (not confirmed yet). Only 8 of the whole population of KMB had their results pending, so I was worried sick of what the outcome would be. After all, so far I only managed to gather 32 points - another 6 points minimum to pass the Newcastle benchmark.

One sombre night, a friend messaged me, telling the full results were finally out. Here goes nothing… and as I logged on to the website to check my results, reality struck violently - I only scored 5 points for my Business & Management paper, and my final total was 37.

1 mere point short of the minimum requirement. So close yet so far.

I was seriously devastated. My whole life seemed to crumble before my eyes, both still statically locked onto the screen.

I cried. I sobbed like a girl. And with wet tears drenching my cheeks and dissolving my huge ego, I slipped away from consciousness into a nightmarish sleep.

I woke up the following day, feeling much better and up beat. It wasn’t the end of the world after all, as I greeted the fuzzy warmth of morning sunshine bathing my skin. People were very supportive, especially family & close friends.

"Don’t worry, keep on praying. I’m sure they’ll overlook that one measly point and absorb you in!"

"You still have a chance! You excelled in the interview, for sure they’ll accept you! Cheer up "

I began to feel better. After all, in the conditional offer the Uni gave me, they did mention they would "…automatically consider my application from other aspects, such as performance during interview & Personal Statement, apart from the final results". Hope was still in sight.

But today all the ‘good luck’ wishes faded into oblivion as reality, once again, crashed in - they rejected me.

For one small point I was short of, they totally shut me out from hopes of embarking on a journey of a lifetime towards achieving a priceless Medical degree, with the humongous amount of experience awaiting to be gained.

Life is a bitch.

I didn’t bawl my eyes out dry like I did with my results. I even managed to smile it off. It wasn’t meant to be.

Again, the support came pouring in endlessly. After all, I was still eligible for ‘Clearing’ (where UK applicants with no successful placements will be given a second but slimmer-than-Nicole-Ritchie chance, in case any UK universities have vacancies to fill up)

There was still hope. Is there?

As reality sinked in, I accepted what fate shoved into my face - I could as well be bound to study locally, in case all else fails. IMU (International Medical University) which is located in Bukit Jalil will  be happy enough to accept me in since their minimum entry point for IB students is 33.

After 2 arduous years of overseas preparation course in KMB, after the numerous hours spent awake trying to make sense of lectures or meeting crazy deadlines for the endless list of assignments, after struggling to fulfill the 180 CAS hours with horrendous time management skills; after all that, I was possibly going to resume my studies in Malaysia.

Reality. I swallowed hard. After all, as long as I get to resume studying somewhere, I’ll still become a certified doctor, right?

I don’t care. Right now, I just don’t care.

Even if my Clearing chances turns out another ‘false hope’; even if a miracle happens and I do get to board that plane to Heathrow International Airport, London; I’ll manage.

I hope.

I really do.

Maybe…

Friday, 17/08/2007, 2:48AM

Who would’ve thought my luck would be on a roll?

The Halls of Vain… I Mean Fame Contest

Remember my ridiculously vain pictures where I was posing with a few Halls tube in hand?

Well, I wasn’t doing it because of my undying love for the fresh-breath-in-an-instant candies. Rather it was my ‘undying love’ for every chance to win free stuff and money (hey, who doesn’t?) In case you guys haven’t noticed, Hall’s candies were having a "Halls of Fame" contest (http://www.hallsoffame.com.my/main.htm) where they were on the lookout for one girl and one guy to be their model for their upcoming ad.

Having nothing better to do since college ended in May, I decided What the heck? and began my DIY home made ‘photo shoot’ holding the refreshing sweets in hand. And being the always last-minute person, I took the photos hours before going to my 5-day BTN camp (since the closing date was Saturday, while my BTN ends Sunday).

Upon the arrival August 2007, the selected 10 (5 girls, 5 guys) were shortlisted and announced on their website. After facing the disappointment of not being shortlisted (not because I’m desperate to become Malaysia’s first short male model, mind you) since they would each win RM200 even if they didn’t become the final guy & girl to be featured in the ad.

Bye bye, RM200

But I still had the chance to win other freebies by simply voting for the top 2 models: 10 Sony Ericsson K790a 3G phones, a Sony PSP for 2 frequent votes, and 100 Adidas bags for 100 early bird voters.

And so as my favourite phrase goes, What the heck? and I voted 2 very good looking models of choice (ever heard of non-good looking models?)

15 Days Later…

… or in other words today (16/08/07), I received an SMS saying that I was shortlisted to win the Early Bird prize (the Adidas bag). Whoopey! OK, so I didn’t win the Sony Ericsson phone or the frequent voter prize of a Sony PSP (and I would vote like hell for these unknown people because…?) but hey, I won something!

And I’ve always wanted to replace my obsolete bag, which is currently in a sorry state after years of carrying school+college books, and soon I will start my varsity years, so talk about good timing!

The Hotlink Reward Long Deserved

Earlier on today, I woke up to the chiming of my hand phone message tone. An SMS. It went something like this:

"Thank u for being our loyal customer!As a surprise gift,we have credited 200 Hotlink Rewards Pts into ur account!Continue to use Hotlink for more rewards(187A1)"

Well I’ll be damned, I thought. What a good way to start my day, with even more freebies. For those in the dark about Hotlink points (who told you to use Celcom or "The Overrated Yellow Man" Digi?), 200 points equals to RM2 of free airtime or 100 free SMSes to other Hotlink users. So currently, I have 500+ points which enables me RM5 of free airtime or 250 free SMSes to other Hotlink users.

Coolness!

Add these two the free Gwen Stefani concert tickets I won (refer to previous post), I must say, my lucky stars are shining brighter for some odd reason. It’s as if Lady Luck has a humongous crush on me & is hinting through these lucky events.

Or maybe God is just so awesomely Generous

Thursday, 16/08/2007 (3:25pm)

My my, is everyone curious how I won FREE (our all-time favourite ‘F’ word, besides the infamous profane one) tickets to Gwen Stefani’s Sweet Escape Tour in Malaysia.

And due to the sudden surge of ‘friends’ with weird reasons why I should bring them to the concert (from Kamil & Bil’s "I used to play with her when we were in diapers, she was my neighbour" to Patrick’s desperate-but-futile attempt of "GIVE ME THE TICKETS" testimonial), I’ll write a short account on how I got lucky for once and acquired the much coveted tickets.

The Hotlink SMS
One auspiciously boring day, as I was wandering aimlessly in the comforts of my apartment in utter boredom, I received an SMS from Hotlink. Apparently there was this ‘Hotlink Presents Gwen Stefani’s Sweet Escape SMS Contest‘ (was that lengthy or what?) in which lucky winners would win a pair (2) tickets to the concert, along with a goodie bag. Contest ends 5th August (Sunday). I didn’t give much thought about the contest though, since I never get lucky and end up wasting my precious prepaid credit. Plus, I was already thinking of forking out some money to buy the tickets (the cheapest being RM122)

However, for some weird but now obvious reason, I kept the SMS in my inbox (my usual habit is to delete read messages)

The Boring Kenduri
It was Sunday, 5th August. The venue was my new pal’s kenduri at Ukay Perdana, Ampang. It was a bright, sunny day with the sky a crystal turquoise colour. He was having a housewarming kenduri (although he’s moved in for quite some time, but better late than never, eh?) Since I just knew him from playing badminton at Ampang Sports Center a few weeks ago, I was basically surrounded by unfamiliar faces (relatives and friends of his) so aside from trying to eat the food (I just tightened my braces the day before, so all I managed to gobble down were some ketupats) I was bored to death. My friend had to entertain other guests too, so there I was sitting alone, periodically glancing at my watch.

Out of boredom, I decided to go through my inbox (another of my weird habits when bored) and there it was, the Hotlink SMS, still left unreplied. Remembering the closing date for the contest was today (5th August) and I had nothing else to lose/do, I gave it a shot.

The Easy Peasy Lemon Squeezy Questions
It was very simple, actually - answer 3 multiple answers questions regarding Gwen Stefani in the fastest time. Being the MTV and entertainment mag junkie that I am, I chided myself that I knew enough Gwen Stefani garbage to answer multiple answers questions.

Question 1: What was Gwen Stefani’s debut album in 2004 called?
(A) The Sweet Escape
(B) Love.Angel.Music.Baby
(C) Hollaback Girl

Being the champion SMS-er, I swiftly keyed in my answer (obviously it’s B) and pressed the ‘Send’ button. Simple, maa, I said to myself. 1 down, 2 more to go.

Question 2: What is Gwen Stefani’s latest single titled?
(A) What You Waiting For
(B) Cool
(C) 4 in The Morning

For those who are clueless, the first 2 are from her debut album L.A.M.B, and so C it was. Are the questions no-brainers or what! Finally, the last question.

Question 3: In what year was her sophomore album ‘The Sweet Escape’ released?
(A) 2005
(B) 2006
(C) 2007

Ooh, this one I had to think, fast. I hesitated between B and C, trying to rack my brains for the exact time when I first heard of her first single off the album, "Wind It Up". Then the thought came to mind: Late December. Heard it at the DS in KMB from Afiq’s laptop. Jep & us singing it like crazy. 2006! And so B it was, although at the time I was still dubious over my answer.

Oh well. At least I tried, I said to myself, snapping back to reality with my pal finally having some time to talk with me.

The Phone Call
It was Friday, 10th August, minutes to afternoon, when I was woken up by the ring tone of my Nokia 6610i.

Hello..?, I groggily answered. Now who is this unfamiliar number disturbing my extended after morning prayers sleep?

Hello, Encik Ali, the guy on the other side said in Malay. Ini XXX dari Hotlink. Encik Ali sedang sibukkah?

Uh, from Hotlink? What the.. Eh, taklah, ada apa ni Encik? I uttered, leaving my thoughts hanging.

Saya ingin memberitahu bahawa Encik Ali telah memenangi 2 tiket ke Konsert Gwen Stefani pada 21 August 2007. Tahniah, Encik!

No shit?? But of course, that was just inner monologue. All I could blurt out was a skema, Oh ye ke?

I could’ve screamed, but I resisted until this kind sir hung up the phone. Manners first, after all. And after he finally did, I let out a huge "I’m going to Gwen’s Concert baby!" cry. I never got lucky. Well, so far as 2006, 2007 has been. It’s been pretty shitty with my mediocre IB exam results and all, but hey, you never know when you get lucky, rite?

Moral of The Story: Always take a shot at every opportunity available. Who knows, you might get lucky? The important thing is to try.

Oh, and I think I heard Fly FM (or was it Mix FM?) today announcing they’re still giving out free tickets for lucky callers through. Why not give it a shot?

P/S: I’m inviting the ‘kenduri’ pal from Ukay Perdana. If it wasn’t for his boring kenduri, I wouldn’t have resorted to jeopardize RM1.50 worth of SMS just to escape the boringness. Thanks, pal!

Tuesday, 14/8/2007, 4:47am