Anyone Seen My Self-Esteem?

A poem written on a cold lonely night, by the pool of my apartment, gazing at the jet black sky…

Pristine

was the cool water

dangling my two feet are

underneath the ceiling of dark skies

with nothingness the view was

but a lonely star & a shy moon

hiding behind parades of milky clouds

hello, I am alone,

would you be my friend?

Serene

as I stare into the night

with no one in sight

I call for you, my friend,

to share my aching sorrows

to share my blatant emptiness

I know how you feel

and you know how I feel;

together, we stare at each other

like perfect strangers

in a brief moment of connection

why, do you mind

if I shed some pearly tears

so unlock my hidden fears

so to them, I may say goodbye?

Shining

with all your might

by your own self, tonight,

you burn with passion

your exuberance like a beacon

with no care in the world

you need not approval

you need not worry for what might be said

you dazzle & shine

until you shine no more;

I envy you

I can never do that

poisoned by vanity running up my veins

as if enchanted

as if bewitched

I worry and despair

to shut up my own self up;

I envy you

you need not please others

unabashedly you become you

and nothing but yourself

tell me, my friend,

would I be happier if I were you?

Hello

I greet the quiet circle of light

‘why, don’t be shy, Mr. Moon,’

I’m here with you

and you’re here for me;

seemingly

drowning you are

amidst a sea

of billowing clouds,

but never do you fail

to illuminate the rock I call home

how selfless of you

giving & keeping on giving

from the glowing red sun

yet you never are appreciated

for your kind generosity

providing a bit of lightlife

for my fellow ignorant humans

please forgive me

would you take a piece of my

heart, in humble return?

Vanish

you both do,

by marching clouds like soldiers

leaving me alone, once more

with no one to talk to

with no one to sing to;

I hang my head low

absorbing the peace & silence

in my haste, inside I cry,

‘Is nobody listening?’

‘Does nobody care?’

no matter how loud

on deaf fallen ears

they fall

Sighing

I stood up to leave

with a sad melancholy

I bid farewell to you

goodnight nobody.

26/7/2007

,

1:57am

A poem expressing my frustration of a father who barely communicates…

If only

you were warm,

I wouldn’t be left

out in the cold

fending for myself

lost, the world’s so foreign

to my naivety.

If only

you were understanding,

I wouldn’t be left

un deciphered

a maze too
complicated

for your ignorant eyes

resisting your
materialistic lures

of which you call affection!

Why, father

why won’t you comprehend?

If only

you were selfless,

I wouldn’t be left

wondering aimlessly

shutting you out

barring you from
my life

fall so hard
onto my weak feet

wounded,
scarred,

by thorns

you could’ve
saved me from?

If only

you were human,

I wouldn’t be left

so bitterly
somber

so boiling with
anger

so timidly
silent

so desperately
frustrated

so loveless
& lonely.

If only, father

but if only…

26/7/2007

,

4.42pm

The moment finally arrived – the
day IB examination 2007 results are to be published online! At exactly 9.15pm
(Malaysia time), IB students around the world including from Kolej MARA
Banting, Kolej MARA Seremban & International School Kuala Lumpur will end
their nail biting wait and either rejoice or mourn over their grades.

Being the ever-excited and
get-it-over-with-ASAP type of person, I began feeling restless upon hearing
some of my friends already got their results from their respective teachers
near afternoon. I mean, why give yourself false security by prolonging your
facing the truth? I guess this type of person prefers to stay worry free as
long as they can. Which is what most of my girl friends (not GF, mind you) did.

But first, let me explain the
lingoes of IB to my non-IB friends:

An Express Guide to IB Terms for Non-IB Students

1. 7 – equivalent of an ‘A’, 6 – a ‘B’, etc. till 0’
2. EE – Extended Essay, a 4500 word (max) thesis of any
        subject of interest;
3. ToK – Theory of Knowledge, ‘holistic thinking’
        subject that requires write up of a 1600 word (max) essay & oral
        presentation in class that adds up to 60 marks;
4. Bonus Points – 3 maximum points in addition to the
        total grade points (6 subjects x 7 = 42+3 = 45 max points) that consists
        of EE and ToK.

Get it?

Anyway, my homeroom teacher who
happens to be my Bio teacher said I got a 6. Ouch, I targeted a 7, but 6 is
good enough. That is since my previous Bio papers have been consisting of a 4s,
5s, and only one 6.

Next, Chemistry.

“Congrats, Ali! You got a 6!”
says Puan Fauziah Sharudin, my lovely accented Chemistry teacher.

Another ouch. Chemistry was
definitely my subject, the one that I
was sure of getting a 7! Past papers of mainly 6s is the source to that
assumption. Oh well, now I know why they say ‘Assumptions is the mother of all f**k-ups.’

Now to my favourite subject –
English!

“You got a 7 for English and an A
for ToK. Good news, rite? J” replied my bubbly English teacher Miss Asyikin. At
this point I literally jumped up and down like a kindergarten boy who ate too
many sweets. Yes, I did this at my dad’s hospital (SJMC) in front of some
patients. Who cares?

An ‘A’ for ToK is good news, since I have realistically
predicted using my crystal ball (read: the
mother of all f**k-ups) that it would help boost some bonus points to my crappy
EE. Jumping jelly beans, so far I’m doing well enough!

As Friday prayers ensued, where I
prayed from God for grades good enough to send me packing to Newcastle in
September, my English teacher sent a short but nail-biting inducing SMS.

“I have your results. SMS/call me
ok.”

Yikes! Without further a due, I
borrowed my dad’s phone and called her up.

“Ali! How are you?”

“Ok I guess, just really really really nervous!”

“Hold on a sec, I’m in the car,
let me grab my papers to see your results”

At this point I stuttered what
must have been 100 ‘OKs’ at a neck braking speed of 1000 OKs/sec. Am I being
too obvious? Well, at least she chuckled hearing me do that.

“Ok, here goes!”

I gulped hard. Oh boy.

“Malay – 6 (oh man, not another
6?), English – 7, Biology – 6, Chemistry – 6 (it hurts more the 2^nd
time around hearing it), EE… now what
happened to your EE and Math, Ali?! A 5 for your Math. Why so terrible? (as
predicted) Thank God your ‘A’ for ToK boosted your bonus point to 2 points. And
last but not least, Business – pending.”

WHAT? I have to wait some more? Haven’t you seen my nails, post
endless nail-biting-spree? I was a nervous wreck – I simply could not wait any longer, or else I’d blow up
my brain to bits. Now you don’t see that happening everyday, now do you?

My dad consoled – ‘At least God
gave you more time to pray. It’s never too late, who knows? Never give up
faith! Believe me, I had a hunch that you’ll pass last night, albeit cukup makan (just barely pass). The
thing is, my dad always have hunches that somewhat came true, I sh*t you not.
No wonder I correctly guessed my ToK & Math grades with my ‘crystal ball’ –
it runs through the family.

The ride back home was less than
quiet, as he gave some advice-cum-consolation in between the ringing of my hand
phone. Which didn’t really work, since my friends kept pouring in SMS-es of
‘Hey, I/he/she got a 38/39/42/43/45!!’

Great. Apparently the others are
super elated geniuses while I’m barely making it with my 5 for Math and 6 for
Bio Chemistry. This is what I get for being a terribly lazy procrastinator who
gets distracted easily by many the smallest things like an undying crush over
FE (refer to previous post). I want my
mommy~

And so I wait, and wait some
more, while my dad drives me and 2 of my step siblings to Bukit Merah for an
enjoyable weekend holiday. This is going to be the longest, most agonizing
weekend of my entire life…

12:19AM,

7/7/07

Greetings to fellow family, friends & complete strangers! Many thanks for visiting my ‘resurrected’ blog, after a period of procrastination & utter laziness. In retrospect, my 19 years of life have always been a period of procrastination & utter laziness.

But as the Digi slogan goes, "It’s Time To Change!".

No more sitting idly around like a brain dead vegetable, whats more with my self-esteem still missing in action. Now blessed with an excess of time in hand after completing my IB diploma last May, I present to you my reinvented, revamped & renewed blog :)                                        

*clap clap*

Why am I still searching for my self-esteem, one wonders? Well, one reason I can think of for the time being is the various times in life I’ve been the subject of ridicule. I have a plethora of names like ‘Penguin’, ‘Midget’ & ‘PBID’ bestowed upon me by my dear friends (mostly due to me being ‘vertically challenged’ @ short).

How flattering. At least penguins are cute!

Since I’m anew (as the title suggests), I’ll make clear on what my blog feature. Since I am a medic student-to-be, I would write on health & medicine, and everything self-esteem (SE) - low SE depicted through penned poems,

songs composed & performed by yours truly to aid boosting SE,

parodies to enlighten low SE,
   

recent news about other people’s SE,

etcetera etcetera.

Very artsy indeed. Now I wouldn’t be surprised if someone labeled me ‘unorthodoxly un-medical-ish’. Breaks the stereotype that all medical students are devout nerds with hobbies ranging from studying encyclopedias to having an outdated sense of fashion (if there even was one to begin with) eh?

Your comments are much appreciated