Anyone Seen My Self-Esteem?

Life can be a bitch sometimes.

Mind the profanity, but I think we’re all adult enough. Besides, nothing paints a clearer picture than simple vulgarity

Anyway, I’ve been having weird thoughts of dying. As in ‘tomorrow I won’t wake up’ & ‘goodbye forever, everyone’ thoughts. Not that I’m suicidal or stupid enough to end it all by god knows what modus operandi (slit my throat? cut my wrist? hang myself on a tree?). Not like I’ve never thought of putting my life to an end, especially during the ‘dark ages‘ - about when I was a confused, lonely and introverted 14 year old. Then again, I’m still confused, lonely and introverted, but that’s not the point!

The ‘dark ages‘ was years after my parents’ bitter divorce that left me, then an oblivious and naive 5 year old, clueless and confused. Why were mom & dad living separately? Why do me & my brothers n sisters have to live with my (late) grandmother? Why did mom have bruises around her eyes? Why is dad marrying another woman & having more children? I had to spend years of growing up lacking a prominent figure in my life, and learning to cope with the cold hard reality - there is no more ‘one big happy family’.

Along the years, my eldest sibling, who was in her teens and understood more than I ever could, began being suicidal. She did things I’m sure she’s not proud of today, and as a primary school boy I wondered why is all of this happening to her; to the others; to me. But I kept it all to myself, and began to develop a quiet, introverted personality.

As a pubescent entering his teenage years in secondary school, I became even more reclusive - not many people knew me, my classmates don’t really know me, and I was easily influenced by peers. Smoking, wasting time at the cyber cafe, pornography. Like I knew any better. Especially when my mom & dad only met up with me & the others during school holidays. And misery came knocking - more confusion of my identity surfaced, and in silence I suffered.

Suicide has never been more tempting.

Thank God, my life was turned around when I scored straight As for my PMR, and gained entry into MRSM (boarding school). And even then, a day after my good news, my grandmother passed away. I just could not comprehend at that time why God would be so harsh.

****

Fast forward to 2007. I’m a week away from my IB final exams. And my mind is still a throbbing, bundle of messed up wires. Conflicts surely picked a good time to haunt my mind - I’ve been such an ass to my mom, and I haven’t gotten over a stupid crush over this person in college (how can I forget your gentle ways? Your earnest smile? Your intelligence and charming personality?)

Why am I longing for something that can never be mine, and abandoning the things that matters most?

Not to mention so many things I’ve yet to cover in my syllabus or manage to master. Plus Newcastle University’s ceiling high requirements. And all of this crap in my mind has yet to disappear.

And this is my only escapism from life’s realities. Apart from crying on the praying mattress for help from the Almighty.

LORD. HAVE MERCY

Tuesday, 24/4/2007.

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