Anyone Seen My Self-Esteem?

People actually read my

LAMEDEADBORINGTYPICALUNINTERESTINGSAPPYIMMATURE

blog?

SATURDAY, 28 Oct - Yes, real human beings from the planet Earth are reportedly viewing my blog, & actually reading my posts!

*clapclap*

..and whatsmore, post COMMENTS! This is a massive breakthrough in the history of aLibLogalism (ali + blogging + journalism) as previously, records has it that zero normal homo sapien read, let alone NOT fall asleep in boredom my blog entries.

A little speech by our overwhelmed blogger, "Thank you very much, all you kind people, who in time of boredom decided to throw their precious time out the window by reading my lame blog entries. I’m speechless. Ooh, I feel my eyes swelling with tears :’) I need a tissue." - BERNAMAR

P/S - I had a lemangrendangkuihrayalontongsotopizzalaksam marathon for 5 days, hit the weights at the gym this evening, and still haven’t gotten fat even a pound. Or has the fat globbed around my brain which results in this nonsensical time wasting blog entry? Maybe

2:59:59 AM

Random Date (2006)

“Hello, my name is Ali. How about I ruin your day?”

Ugh. I loathe myself. More than I loathe public toilet bowls reeking of booze-filled urine. And for an űber hygienic person like me, that is not merely a hyperbole.

I do not know what is wrong with me. I fancy myself an amiable person, a guy who loves to make new friends regardless whether he or she has a pear-shaped physique or a bloody blotchy complexion, and even boasted in my profile in all my “About Myself” column of Friendster / MySpace/ (fill in friendship-slash-dating website here) that I’m an extroverted introvert. Go figure. And like an overly replayed reminder of my mum’s voice nagging “never judge someone by his/her looks or bra cup” (OK maybe she didn’t mention the part about the bra cup, but still..!), I am fully aware that relationships be it friendship or romance should not be based singly on lust for desirable physical attributes (read: good looks, hot bod, irresistible mojo).

Yet.. the voices in my head keep on whispering to me, “Don’t be close to that unattractive person! Sure you can be normal friends, ones you chat about the weather with, or how college life makes you rather want to jump from the 7^th floor, fall flat on the ground and die, resurrect and repeat. But you don’t want him/her to develop feelings for you, would you? In which would land you in a sticky situation, and in the end you’d have to hurt his/her feelings just to avoid them having hopes of you being ‘The One’ who they’d bring home to their mommas. After all, prevention is way better than cure, right?” Ugh. If that doesn’t spell out loud P.E.R.A.S.A.N (Malay-English translation: VAIN), I don’t know what does. Jumping from the 7^th floor right now doesn’t seem to be a bad idea.

19/10/2006, 1:55 AM

What If: A Poem

What if

In an instance

You felt

Your life

Near the end, it is

Heart pumping

Adrenaline surging

Without you knowing?

What if

Of the sudden

You felt

Inevitable, the death

Is waving amiably

Like an old friend

You’ve always known

But have never met?

What if

Unexpectedly

You felt

The world around you

Will be but a distant memory

Of a short journey

On an infinite voyage

Beyond our knowledge

Do we know what the future holds?

What if

It just occurred to you

You felt

Friends, family,

People all around you

Will be sorely missed

When you know

Always, they’ll be there for you

Day or night

But it might

be the last time

today, tomorrow,

or the day after

of you knowing them?

Random Date (2006)

Alone Again: A Poem

Alone

I am

without someone

I could call mine

I could call anytime

I could call to lit up a smile

let alone someone to embrace with pride

Alone

I am

not having anyone

to share my lows and highs

to share my miseries inside

to share all my woes when I cry

let alone a shoulder when I bawl out my eyes

Alone

I am

no one for me

to care and be cared by

to caress on cold nights

to console me when deep down, I die

let alone someone to wish me ‘Sleep Tight’

Alone

I am

nobody

to make me feel fine

to make me laugh and sigh

to make me feel warm at sunshine

let alone make me feel wanted, forever in time

Alone

I am

Unmasking

the real me,

hoping for things to go my way

yet, gazing lonelily outside the window

the real me,

yearning for someone to knock on my door

waiting for somebody to be my saviour

the real me,

falling, evanescently , indefinitely in self-pity

disappearing to oblivion, slowly, but definitely

the real me,

desperately, agonizingly, sorrowfully,

attempting to unearth my loneliness

trying to unwound painful scars

struggling to expose my broken heart

for me to reach out to whoever you may be

‘Why haven’t you come to save me?’

Alone

I am alone

with no one

but my empty self,

with no one

but a shadow of my own,

with no one

but my reflection on the mirror

16/9/2006

7:16 pm