Anyone Seen My Self-Esteem?

PARODIES ARE AWESOME

Who loves conforming to the norms of society? Rule-bending is no longer a taboo, so poking fun at boring & old fairy tales proves to be a whole lotta fun (especially when you have the honours of ruining the whole "happily ever after", "strictly for annoying kids below 6" story) Ladies & gentlemen, may I introduce to you, the English class presentation went wrong, now available in the form of a blog :

Little Red Riding Hood, Version 2.0

          Once upon a time, in a land very far, far away, lived a sweet girl of 19 by the name of Kneesha. Tall, pretty, and with a fair complexion to match her sparkling white toothpaste-ad teeth, she has always been seen sporting a rosy-red coloured jacket, hence her nick name “Little Red Riding Hood”. She was a city girl who fancied herself an adventurer (hey, this line sounds familiar!), but due to financial crisis in her family, never has she had the opportunity to roam the forest, or explore the unknown Amazon, or anything of that sort. So when she was given the task of delivering baked bread and a few cough pills to her oh-so old grandmother, so old that the ancient pyramid would be put to shame, she was jumping with joy. Enthusiastic, she immediately embarked on the journey towards Granny’s old cottage.

            The only way to Granny’s old cottage, which is strategically located in the middle of nowhere to avoid annoying direct selling agents, was through a creepy and dimly lighted forest. The sun could barely illuminate the grass, as dark clouds are seen hovering over the forest, and an enigmatic mist enveloped the atmosphere, adding a feel of eeriness and mystery to the aptly dubbed “Haunting Forest”. Yet, this didn’t dishearten our little heroine, who bravely traveled past the scary looking oaks and ignored the weird croaks and horrid whisper-like voices of god-knows-what creatures.

            Alas, she had made through the spooky forest, and was greeted by the warm sounds of chirping birds, the glowering ray of light from the sun, a few friendly looking bunnies hoping around, and of course, the sight of her granny’s old cottage. Glee with joy, she stormed towards the front door, and knocked 3 times.

“Granny!” said Kneesha, eagerly waiting for the door to be opened. “It’s your favourite granddaughter, Kneesha!” “Come in, my sweet child! Granny left the door unlocked for you!” replied a coarse sounding voice. Weird, thought Little Red Riding Hood, I don’t remember Granny having a voice so deep and coarse. Oh well, maybe it’s her sore throat. Scoffing her doubts, she twisted the door knob, and found her way into Granny’s bedroom. The old lady was in her bed, tucked in her turquoise-striped blanket, with only her oddly bloody red, wide eyes, strangely big, pointy ears, and dark plump fingers gripping the blanket, visible.

“Why granny, what large fingers you have!” said Little Red Riding Hood. “Why, better to hold you, my dear” answered Granny.

“Why granny, what big pointy ears you have!” said Little Red Riding Hood, somehow feeling the hairs on her neck starting to rise. “Why, better to hear you, my dear” replied Granny.

“Why granny, what reddish and wide eyes you have!” inquired Little Red Riding Hood, starting to feel a little bit squirmy. “Why, better to see you, my dear!” answered Granny, with an even coarser voice, plus an octave higher from the one before. Then she smiled and to Kneesha’s horror, bared a sharp and yellowish set of teeth.

“Why granny, what sharp and smelly teeth you have!” asked Little Red Riding Hood with a trembling voice, alarming sirens really starting to blare out in her mind. This is SO not granny!, Kneesha said in her heart. “Why, of course” grinned Granny, saliva dripping from her jaws, starting to pull down her blanket “better to eat you, my dear!”. With that said, Granny turned out not to be Granny, but a big bad …… hyena?

“Huh?” squeaked Little Red Riding, a little bit confused. “I thought I’m in the story ‘Little Red Riding Hood’? You know, where I finally get attacked by a big bad wolf, not hyena, and saved by the charming, handsome, good looking lumberjack?” she mutters to no one in particular. The hyena, feeling a bit insulted, defends himself. “Oh, I’m not scary enough for you? Oh I’m so going to eat you now!” and it fiercely plunges towards our helpless little heroine.

Out of the blue, emerges a handsome, macho, good looking lumberjack, armed with a pair of big and lethal…

“SCISSORS?? You have got to be kidding me!” cried Kneesha in utter disbelief.

            “Don’t worry, I’ve come to rescue you and your granny, who is trapped in the bathroom!” said the lumberjack nonchalantly. Before Little Red Riding Hood could ask how in the world he knew her granny was locked in the bathroom, the lumberjack swiftly swung his mighty scissors and hit the hyena right in the chest. Limping, the hyena drew its last breath and finally dropped dead on the floor.

            “Thank you for saving us! How can we ever thank you for your heroic act of bravery?” asked Granny, almost dizzy from smelling the toilet for too long since being locked up in the bathroom. She made a mental note to wash the toilet, in case she ever becomes the hostage and stored in the bathroom ever again.

            “Well, there is one thing that I’ve always wanted” said the lumberjack with a smug. “And what might that be?” inquired Granny.

2 Weeks Later…

            ..they got married at a local chapel, and lived happily ever after. The moral of the story? Well, depends on your perception (we do learn ToK for a reason, don’t we?) But in our opinion – never go visit your grandmother who lives in an isolated location alone, or you’ll end up getting married to a lonely lumberjack who saves your life.

THE END

-A product of Ali, Nisya, Fiqah, and Faiq (M05H) 2006-