Anyone Seen My Self-Esteem?

..that life would be better during the holidays, I encounter more problems

Oh great. More mind-breaking problems to solve (rather to drive me insane). ON A HOLIDAY, that is. Yes, my holiday ain’t short (3 weeks to be precise) and just when I thought I could sit back, relax, enjoy some cuppa at a Starbucks outlet, bask under the warm December sun (you won’t hear that in any 4 seasoned countries like America. I just LOVE my dear Malaysia) family problems start to arise.

It’s not everyday that I reveal all the private details of my private life. Nope, wouldn’t want average Joes and Janes reading about my oh-so-normal day-to-day life. But I just HAVE to let out my sorrows, channel my pain, express my distraught thoughts. I just have to, or else I’ll blow up. Or erupt. Or whatever related to explosions/TNT dynamites/volcano eruptions. I need to clear my mind. PRONTO.

I’m sure I’m not the only one with divorced parents. And I’m certain that I’m not the single not-living-with-any-of-his-parents-but-lives-with-a-relative teenager (though the relative refers to grandmother, but now that she was called by the Lord, leaves me with my aunt and Indon maid). And for sure I know that there’re more people out there that has step siblings and a step mom (though my step mom tries TOO hard too please me and my siblings and my step siblings get all the undivided attention and affection of parents and not to mention wealth and just about everything). But  I doubt that any of you have such cold and lack-of-emotions father. Or a mom who can never trust guys (not even me!) or shoot despiteful stares to her then 8 year old son who just came back from an outing with his father, though he tries to smile, and she only hugs and acts happy to her daughters. I was 8. MERELY EIGHT YEARS OLD, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD. And the memory haunts till now, when you raised the issue about what a lousy father my dad is, or how rich and neglectful he is. You know I hate it, my brothers and sisters hate it, when you remind us of our past. Still, she has a point about dad. I mean, what kind of father would say he’d disown his son over a stupid misunderstanding?? Let me quote the infamous SMS that is , thanks to him, forever etched in the back of my mind : "Why are you and your siblings so hard to cooperate? If you don’t like me, you can come and have a DNA test, so I can disown you". THANK YOU VERY MUCH, DAD.

Here I am, again on the run, with nowhere to go. I can only console to my friends. But those who’d even hear my problems are such limited in number. Great, I have 520+ friends in my list, but not even one can give me a shoulder to cry on. How convenient. Should I just fade away to nothingness, evanescent from existence? Only God knows better. Dear God, help me please..

-Emotionally Disturbed aLi_mCb-

This entry was posted on Wednesday, December 21st, 2005 at 2:46 am and is filed under Previously Written Entries. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.