Anyone Seen My Self-Esteem?

"With hardship comes ease" - Quran, 94:5

Oh my. Did I exploded with all my might or what! Pondering upon the words coming from my own mouth, there was so much hate. Too much agony. Tumultuous PAIN. Forgive me, I just had to unburden all my supressed hurt. I’m not ashamed to admit, warm tears streamed like rivers down my cheeks, its’ warmth not only thawed the ice that plugged my heart, but also aided in carrying all my worries away. Nothing beats like a good cry. Ego set aside, let your emotions sink in, and your mind contemplate. Tranquility has never been so easy to achieve. But endure the wetness and messed up mind first.

It’s been months since that heart-wrenching incident. "Heart-wrenching" as in how vulnerable and weak I am, how uncontrollably emotional, how irrational.. I guess it’s part of growing up - enduring pain, breaking down when you can’t hold on any longer, almost giving up on hope. I’m sure everyone else goes through the same thing, right? But I’m sure in the end, I’ll be all grown up and looking back at where I was and with a grin on my face, ponder how I’d wish life would accelerate faster so I’d no longer bear all the anxiety of growing up an adolescent. Hopefully..

A string of incidents has taken place in my life of the late, so much that I don’t know where to start with. But alas, the future will look sparkling bright if I am resilient and strong. That’s what all this is about, right? Pain –> Depression –> Sheer Will & Positivism –> Maturity & repeat again. That’s what I think. Oh, the agony and twinge of living a teenager’s life

aLi-mCb

[2:40pm , 18/2/2006]

..that life would be better during the holidays, I encounter more problems

Oh great. More mind-breaking problems to solve (rather to drive me insane). ON A HOLIDAY, that is. Yes, my holiday ain’t short (3 weeks to be precise) and just when I thought I could sit back, relax, enjoy some cuppa at a Starbucks outlet, bask under the warm December sun (you won’t hear that in any 4 seasoned countries like America. I just LOVE my dear Malaysia) family problems start to arise.

It’s not everyday that I reveal all the private details of my private life. Nope, wouldn’t want average Joes and Janes reading about my oh-so-normal day-to-day life. But I just HAVE to let out my sorrows, channel my pain, express my distraught thoughts. I just have to, or else I’ll blow up. Or erupt. Or whatever related to explosions/TNT dynamites/volcano eruptions. I need to clear my mind. PRONTO.

I’m sure I’m not the only one with divorced parents. And I’m certain that I’m not the single not-living-with-any-of-his-parents-but-lives-with-a-relative teenager (though the relative refers to grandmother, but now that she was called by the Lord, leaves me with my aunt and Indon maid). And for sure I know that there’re more people out there that has step siblings and a step mom (though my step mom tries TOO hard too please me and my siblings and my step siblings get all the undivided attention and affection of parents and not to mention wealth and just about everything). But  I doubt that any of you have such cold and lack-of-emotions father. Or a mom who can never trust guys (not even me!) or shoot despiteful stares to her then 8 year old son who just came back from an outing with his father, though he tries to smile, and she only hugs and acts happy to her daughters. I was 8. MERELY EIGHT YEARS OLD, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD. And the memory haunts till now, when you raised the issue about what a lousy father my dad is, or how rich and neglectful he is. You know I hate it, my brothers and sisters hate it, when you remind us of our past. Still, she has a point about dad. I mean, what kind of father would say he’d disown his son over a stupid misunderstanding?? Let me quote the infamous SMS that is , thanks to him, forever etched in the back of my mind : "Why are you and your siblings so hard to cooperate? If you don’t like me, you can come and have a DNA test, so I can disown you". THANK YOU VERY MUCH, DAD.

Here I am, again on the run, with nowhere to go. I can only console to my friends. But those who’d even hear my problems are such limited in number. Great, I have 520+ friends in my list, but not even one can give me a shoulder to cry on. How convenient. Should I just fade away to nothingness, evanescent from existence? Only God knows better. Dear God, help me please..

-Emotionally Disturbed aLi_mCb-