Anyone Seen My Self-Esteem?

All I Need Is Time Untouched

My previous entries have either angered or flabbergasted some. Sure, the truth ain’t that pretty. But that’s how I feel at certain points in life, and if y’all know the real me, i’m a pretty articulated person and loudly voice out my opinions or my feelings. That’s just how I cope with certain things, by expressing myself. I applaud some of you who care for your friends by giving some advice and hope to "enlighten" them of their dark experience. But I strongly emphasize, CONSIDER ONE’S FEELINGS AND EMOTIONAL STATE FIRST BEFORE MAKING ANY REMARKS. Think of the consequences of what you intend to say. The other might be down and is unable to think rationally. Learn to be considerate. And bear the results of your actions. You provoked another unintentionally? The other gets mad and start uttering obscenities. You asked for it.

Not that i want to lecture you guys on psychology, but for crying out loud, stop acting so "oh-i’m-so-matured-and-experienced-that-i-should-advice-this-dude-in-despair-regardless-of-his-feelings" and learn to BE CONSIDERATE OF OTHERS. In any situation, give the dude some time, alone. Let him think through everything, and calm down. Remember, you don’t even know the exact reason why he’s so depressed. DON’T ACT AS IF YOU KNOW AND YOU’RE HIS/HER BEST FRIEND. In my state, whereas I haven’t cooled down yet, what do you expect? A flowery reply for some cold, emotionless, selfish advice? You’re certainly not helping. As i said, GIVE ME TIME.

MPP elections’ is just around the corner. Gosh, how fast time flies! Now everyone wants to be a leader Though I’m running as a candidate, I’m not fully expecting to win. I’m not desparate. But I reckon, that as long as I’m part of the community, I might as well do something to help people, the college. Some things do need some polishing up/upgrading (the immediate subject that comes to mind : INTERNET CONNECTION!). But remember, vote for someone you think is capable of being a good leader, people friendly (not some anonymous fishing for your votes and friendship when he/she never cared before), creative, presentable, and dares to voice out. Even if he has flaws, remember - HE’s ONLY HUMAN, thus vulnerable to error. But hey, if he’s really a recluse, unfriendly, poyo (tahap maks, poyo sikit2 cam aku xpe haha)  tahap dewa, never stood up in public, uncharismatic, TOO serious and doesn’t know how to chill a bit, TOO nerdy/skema, think again of voting for him. Happy voting and watching the manifesto’s people of KMB

Lord put a smile on your face

[aLiii the ordinary one]

-1:00 pm, Sunday, 25/9/2005-

As depressing as the truth can be..

Dear everyone who wasted time reading my previous blog entry,

Have you guys ever heard of "freedome of speech" ? And do you guys even know what freedome of speech means? If you don’t , lemme refresh your memory a bit - the freedome to express oneself through the usage of words, be it written or verbal, without harrassment and suppressing from other individuals. it’s a right. Now that i’ve defined it to you, think back - did you guys respected my right to channel my sorrow and hurt through my blog, or you guys are such pundits that y’all don’t even consider the mental condition of a hurt one like me? of course not, y’all don’t learn psychology, therefore would speak freely of "oh-i-understand-when-in-fact-i-don’t-but-still-i’m-so-right-you’re-100%-wrong-and-i’m-utterly-and-irrefutably-right" without caring less of how fucking bad i’m stuck in this turmoil.

now that i’ve been totally vulgar and insulting to you guys (not to mention risking my friendship), hear me out. i know y’all "care" (yeah right) cuz you’re all my friends, but really, how well do y’all know me? do you even know my feelings? understand my woes? who the heck i’m falling apart over? or when my mood changes or when i have flings? one monosyllabic answer - NO! how can one who doesn’t know another advice the person as if one knows that person well and is aware of his emotions and feelings? and look at what you guys’ve done to me, i’m turning into angsty, love-hating, irrational, irritable individual! well, thank you very much for provoking my long kept anger, cuz at least now that i’m lashing out on y’all, it won’t keep on expanding inside of me and then blow me up. THANK YOU VERY MUCH

sure life has its up and downs. sure i don’t deserve to get whatever i want. sure you guys "care". sure you guys "know me". sure i have no rights to voice out my inner most hurt feelings. sure i’m such a wreck and angry guy who’ve forgotten what it’s like to feel spiritually calm. sure this is my blog and you guys can simply leave "empathical" comments to "cheer me up" (which is SO lousily done). sure my emotions can be simply disregarded as if i have none. sure, just do whatever you feel like doing. but one thing’s for sure, YOU GUYS AREN’T HELPING. Leave the advising and consoling to my close friends please. sorry if i hurt ur pride, but that’s nothing compared to how your cold remarks have deteriorated my already wounded state. next time, consider other’s feelings before simply saying anything. don’t be so selfish and self-centered (ironically, thats what i’m doing, but hey, don’t say i didn’t warn ya for unleashing my alter ego) LET ME BE.

again, the truth hurts like fuck.

Lord, why hast thou forsaken me?

[aLiiii the disturbed one]

truth hurts like fuck

i am so naively stupid. i am utterly stupid for hoping for something that i should’ve knew, will never be achieved. as i am awakened from my reverie by the harsh reality, i lay an ocean of soaring emotions. yes, truth hurts like fuck. (offended by the “F” word? sorry, but i just need to express myself for the time being. please discontinue reading if my foul words loaths you. thanks) 100% painful, a hard slap on the face, and a total dream shatter. yup, that’s truth. i was aiming for something beyond my reach, absolutely unrealistic, and all the way through, i had faith that i’d be able to get what i want. how wrong i was.

what is all this emotional crap about, you ask? well, let me ask you the million dolar question first : have you ever wanted something so much, even if you know that it’s bad for you, and you just can’t let go, and you’d give all you have to just be able to own that one dream, the dream that could’ve brought tons of joy and happiness, and satisfactory? have you?? of course y’all have, if not then you’re not human, not even a flamingo i reckon! now, after answering such an easy question, here comes the significant part : HAVE YOU EVER SEEN YOUR WHOLE HOPES AND DREAMS SHATTER RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOUR EYES, JUST BY STARING AT A COMPUTER SCREEN, AND DISCOVERING THE FUCKING TRUTH?? have you? coz if you have, tell me how you could face such a heart breaking, hard blow and finally managed to move on? how? coz this is the 5th fucking time in my life where everything i ever wished for proved to be a mere fantasy, non realistic in the real world, a load of crap. yes, you know what i’m talking bout - love.

now call me a sick bastard, but i’m just going thru a phase in life where i am deceived by the devil, masked behind the name “LOVE” (or is it “infatuation” ? whateve u want to call it) and experience all sortsa agony and insurmountable amount of pain, which definitely hurts like fuck. fuck fuck fuck! now, i can go on yammering for hours and days and even MONTHS till my wounds heal and i can finally say “i’m over that already, my life’s back on track”, but for the time being, let me swear all i want in my own fucking blog. why are you reading anyway?? don’t you have other fucking sites to visit? i mean, here you are , reading slurs and words your mother would beat the living daylight out of you if she caught you uttering such foul language, and wasting your precious time hearing all my hurt that hurts like F.U.C.K (if u need me to spell it out loud). stop flushing your golden time down the gutter, please.

hope my journey back home today will stitch a sheath over my painful cut on my pride, heart, and soul. at least there’s a reason for joy (my sister gave birth to her 1st daughter @ my 1st niece last monday, nifsu syaaban! hope so..

lord, oh dear lord, truth hurts like fuck..

[aLiiiii the Hurt one]